Who am I?

{this post was previously published on January 18, 2011. I have a lot of new readers now and thought it was the perfect time to share about myself again. After you read this post head over to the My testimony tab (at the top of the page) and see what happened after I wrote this post}
who am i

When I first created my blog I mentioned this is place for me to say whatever I want, unfiltered, unedited, some things may be offensive while others just plain rude!

I am fortunate and extremely blessed to attend a church that is full of so many special people. People in different seasons of life, different backgrounds, and different yet uniquely inspiring personal testimonies. I am even luckier to attend a Sunday school class with two women that have made their personal struggles public; making them selves “real”. Wow, what would it be like to be “real”? I have asked myself that a lot lately since my dear friend Jen shared her personal testimony in front of our entire congregation. You can read her story here. Since Jen has shared her story she has changed a great deal. I have noticed how free she seems, how much bigger and brighter her smile is, how her eyes sparkle when people ask how she is doing. It really made me think, could I ever feel like that? Soon after Jen shared her story my new friend Holly shared her personal struggle on her blog. Here is a women that looks as though she does not have a negative feeling in her body, she is always smiling, and always asking others how they are doing. Under all those smiles is a women hurting. She writes that she has not even shared this struggle with some of her closet friends. Holly, like Jen, is now glowing; she seems happier, relieved, and finally free. Free from trying to keep this secret hidden.  I have wanted to share a little part of my personal testimony here for a while and feel as though the Lord placed these two women in my life not only to be my friends but to show me that it’s okay to be “real”, and its okay to share with others that I have fears, that I have real struggles.
So who am I?
I am a girl.
I am a girl who struggles
I am a girl who struggles with who I am.
Who am I?
I am a girl who talks too much.
I am a girl who talks too much about those I really care about.

This is an issue that eats at my core everyday. I try, I try really hard to not be the girl that judges others, that judges first appearances, judges others by what they have, who they know, how they discipline their children, where they work, how much they make, do they believe in Jesus, do they regularly attend church, how involved are they, what kind of car do they drive, did they attend college, how big their house is, did they struggle growing up, how intense is there personal story, have they ever encounter suffering, made choices they regret…

But to be “real”, to be truthful, I do. I do this daily. Does this mean that I choose my friends based on the answer to those questions? NO. But do I ask myself those questions? YES. Why do I do this you ask? It’s because I am insecure. There I said it. I need want to be apart of the “in” crowd, being in the “know”. I find myself talking about these things with other friends sometimes. I never do it t be hurtful or to upset anyone. I just do it. It’s like word vomit spilling out all over the place, it stinks, it’s gross and it usually makes people run the other way. I have lost many friends because of it. Some have forgiven me and given me a second chance while others I hurt too badly. There was a time in my life when I lost all my friends. I had to hit rock bottom in order to change. Those of you that know me, know that I am a social person, so to be alone was as low as I could get.  I felt like there was not a way out, like the very breath inside of me was disappearing. I hurt, and the only way to stop the hurt was to seek Jesus.  I begged God to help me, to change me, to make me more like Him in all I do and especially all I say. I took a really good look at myself and vowed to change. I feel as though I have made huge strides to be better person, someone that others feel they can trust and confide in.  After admitting to the Lord and a few others what I had done wrong I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt as though I could breathe again. There are days when I find myself slipping back into my old habits. When this happens I am not scared because the Lord has surrounded me with Godly women who help me stay on the right path and direct me to His word when I need guidance.  To those of you I have hurt in the past or even recently. I am sorry, I am sorry my selfish insecure ways have caused you pain. I am asking for your forgiveness.  I am asking that you give me a chance to prove that I am someone you can call friend.
Who am I?
I am a girl that never feels good enough about me
that thinks I am too fat, ugly and have no sense of style.
I try too hard to make others like me and/or the way I look.
I am a sensitive person.
I am easily hurt when someone does not want to be my friend, when someone does not understand where I am coming from, when someone does not except my apology, when I put my pride aside and actually apologize.
Who am I?
I am the girl who hates asking for help
Who struggles with depression, yet hates pity parties.
I am the girl who does not know who I am.
How do I not know who I am? It’s because I have never really taken the time to figure it out. I am too worried about looking the part. About making sure my outward appearance looks put together so that no one knows that inside, I am a mess, that I am overwhelmed, extremely overwhelmed.
When I shared with you my LSC’11, I mentioned that I would say no to 3 things people ask me to help with. I know that sounds a bit harsh but I do not mean if someone needs help. More like if someone wants me to join a club, group, or planning committee. I find it hard to say no to these things and end up saying yes to everything. Although each of these things are good, too much of a good thing can be bad; bad for myself and bad for my family. I end up becoming overwhelmed, stressed and then further depressed.  In the last 6 months I have struggled with my emotions, most recently depression. This is something I have only shared with a handful of people. The topic of depression is so delicate, do you take medications, do you handle it alone, or do give it God and let him fix it? This is where I found myself struggling. What do I do? Who do I tell? Am I admitting I am not in control? First I prayed about it, and then I told my husband and my doctor. Together we decided that I needed some help from a little white pill! This decision did not come easily but I truly feel the Lord guided me to this choice. My life has changed in the last 6 months not only because I have started my medication but because I have admitted being powerless. I thank the Lord daily that I am able to live again, to smile more, be more active and not as impatient with my children.
I want to thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, my questions and my admissions. I am hope this does not change the friendships I already have. I hope it may renew ones that I have lost. I hope it sparks new ones. I hope it answers questions you may have about me and I hope that you understand that what you see is what you get.  From now on, no secrets, no judgments, no copy-cats (unless it is a sweet Anthro-knock off):
I am going to be me.
The Me that has been begging to live, begging to be free.
who loves to watch kid shows even when I am home alone
who hates anything saliva or snot related *quivering*
who loves the color Kelly Green
who thinks self portraits are fun to take
who like to get dressed up even to run and get groceries
who loves snuggling with her husband and holding hands in public
who gets emotional over every chick flick
who loves anything semi-homemade!
Who am I?
I know that I am a girl!
I know that I am a girl that loves Jesus.
I know that I am a girl that loves Jesus and through Him I am saved.
I know that I am loved by my amazing husband and that I am blessed to have him.
I know that I have 3 wonderful children that God has given me to raise.
I know that I have wonderful friends that I can call any hour of the night and ask for help if I am willing to admit it
I know that my family loves me no matter where my life leads me.
Who are you? Please share with me about you…

© 2013, Chrissy@thePearlblog This post may contain affiliate links. Purchasing through them will help support this blog.. All rights reserved.

About Chrissy@thePEARLblog

Sinner turned saint. Lover of Jesus. DIY crafter. Mom of 3. Blogger. Friend. married to her high school sweetheart. I blogs to share about the things I love. My hope is that my love for crafting, Jesus, family, and food will inspire you to try something new. If you enjoy what you read, don’t forget to subscribe to my blog!

Comments

  1. Love the awkward pics. The crooked mouth “what is this camera doing” is totally a face I would make at it. LOL!

    New follower!

    http://www.luxeboulevard.com

  2. I love your honesty! It’s refreshing to know that I’m not alone in many of my insecurities as a woman! I enjoy your blog and can’t wait to read more!

    Love from a sister in Christ<3

    -Faith

  3. I say pop that pill in the name of Jesus! I mean, after all, you would take medicine if you had a headache wouldn’t you?

    I used to suffer from anxiety attacks, and I tried to deal with it on my own before seeking help. The doc gave me some meds and they really helped.

    I’m not on them anymore and don’t have the attacks anymore but if they ever come back I will pop that pill so fast your head will spin, lol!

    Those months and months that I suffered from anxiety attacks were absolutely awful, and yet I knew that the Lord was there with me and wouldn’t leave me.

    I had a very bad asthma attack and the doc said that it elevated my stress levels (or something like that) and that I needed to have them brought back down. It was a hormonal thing, just like depression, and it’s nothing you nor I can fix, I found out.

    However, we CAN set our hearts and minds on Jesus when suffering the affects of it, right?

    I feel insecure sometimes too. I am a pastor’s wife and often I feel like I “don’t measure up” and that I’m not the “perfect” pastor’s wife.

    Well, guess what? People don’t want a “perfect” pastor’s wife! (Good thing, whew!)

    I am the pastor’s wife, I’m not married to the church, and I know how to be his wife, and that I am exactly where God wants me to be!

    I am not perfect and I am selfish, but I have a God who IS perfect and is unselfish, and His grace and love is enough!

  4. Well personally I think Y-O-U rock! What an honest post and what a great person I think you are! Love ya!

  5. i’m ur new follower, check me out at http://hugatreewithme2.blogspot.com wen u can

  6. Anonymous says:

    to much god…if it exists 🙂

  7. Chrissy, how wonderful that you shared this! This is an area that so many of us struggle with. Trying to fit in and not taking time to find out who we really are. With you in the journey my friend.
    God Bless!

  8. I LOVE YOUR blog! I have been looking at it and I think you are a beautiful beautiful woman! I really do! Thank you for your strong words and sharing your story!

  9. I love reading posts like this. Bloggers (and women) are so much more relate-able when they are honest and real. I sometimes get tired of the same exact “happy family, beautiful home” posts…it’s a treat to read something that someone has poured their heart into. Thanks so much for linking up to my party. I hope you’ll stop by Serenity Now again soon! 🙂

  10. Wow. I literally have tears in my eyes. I felt like I just read a post about myself. I truly understand where you are coming from-I think I am about two steps behind you. I moved to this small town about 4 years ago and still have not made one true friend. I too was the social butterfly, now I deal with being alone. I too struggle with 99.9% of the things you listed. Thanks for posting this. For a moment, I felt a bit of normalacy. I don’t feel like the only one fighting this anymore.

    -Dominique

  11. I Love you kiddo. I am very proud of you for looking at yourself and your life and being able to open up and lay it all out there. You have always wore your heart on your sleeve. Thank you for sharing the real Chrissy. Love you MOM

  12. Love you!

  13. AMAZING post! Thanks for sharing it. I know it wasn’t easy. You & I share a lot of the same insecurities. I am thankful you are in my life and hope we can continute to journey through life together because I have enjoyed life a lot more with you in it.

    I love you!

    Your twisted sister, Michelle

  14. You are who God says you are! Just beautiful, Chrissy. May God bless you for your honesty. (hugs)

  15. Sarah Lefers says:

    Chrissy today you are the girl that inspires others! I my self have been struggling w/my own issues. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being so brave to share your story!

  16. What’s not to love about a beautiful woman who can be real?! I’m so glad God placed you on my path of life!!!

    Hugs,
    Kristie

  17. Beautiful post, Chrissy! You are beautiful inside and out. <3 you!

  18. Beautifully written! Beautiful thoughts! Beautiful you!
    Love,
    Carla

  19. Anonymous says:

    chrissy! love you so much!!
    i feel like i could have written the exact same thing.. wow!
    so proud of you.

    ~christine

  20. Wow…you are all so sweet..I have tears running down my face right now because i am so thankful for each and every one of you.

  21. Lisa Barry says:

    You are a brave, brave girl…and a brave girl that loves Jesus is unstoppable! Love you just the way you are…

    Lisa

  22. I LOVE YOU!!! Thank you for sharing! I’ve been waiting for this! 🙂

  23. Good for you to realize it’s perfectly fine to be YOU and No one else… that’s the beauty God created… each of us unique from each other. And for the record… I think that God has given us technology, doctors, and medicine to use. So don’t feel weak because of that. Ps. I LOVE KELLY GREEN TOO!

  24. Anonymous says:

    Love YOU, Chrissy. The whole you. 🙂

    -andrea

  25. Hugs and kisses to my friend! We must catch up. When are we going out for coffee drinks?? Stress the “drink” like lots of cream and sugar added 🙂

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