The second time saying goodbye {part 3}

If you need to catch up you can read part one here and part two here

fast forward 7 months.
two days before Sammy is due.

I had just graduated high school a month ago.
I am trying to figure out what to do with my life.
but all i can think about is that in 2 days my baby you would have been.
Just 2 days.

Here is the letter I wrote to Sammy…

6-7-00
To my unborn baby Sammy, 
Everything happened way to fast
and now i wish i could change the past
in two more days my baby you would have been
if i did not let them take you from me then
It should not have happened, I just got scared
please believe me, I really did care
I should not have listened to what people said
because now my precious baby is dead
I miss you with all my heart and soul
I wish you were here for me to hold
I should not have given in to my fears
my love for you was so sincere
I can not keep placing blame on others
it was my choice,  i was your mother
I wish you were still here everyday
and I pray to God you forgive me someday
My baby Sammy I’ll never forget
over my head hangs a cloud of regret
You were living so strong , and me so weak
no other alternatives did I even think to seek
I thought what I was doing was right
I wish i could change that with all my might
I will never get hear your innocent cry
because of the violent way i let you die
I will never see you off on your first day of school
gosh, why did I have to be such a fool
you will never get to go on single play date
for that, i only have myself to hate
I know you would have been the best kid around
always smiling, never showing a frown
I wish I could take back what i did
and give you the chance to live
The chance at life you deserved
not being in the trash can on the curb
it is not your fault you are gone
you did absolutely nothing wrong
someday i hope to forgive myself
and smile at your ultrasound picture on the shelf
I love you Sammy,  I am so sorry for never giving you the chance at life,
loving you forever,
mommy

Sammy was due June 9th, 2000 but was killed Nov 12, 2009
It’s hard to even imagine how i carried all that guilt at 18 years of age.
I could never imagine facing that again, or telling anyone.

my boyfriend, Jake and I stayed together.
well as together as young, immature, sinning kids could.
We still fought, we made many mistakes

then the summer of 2000, just 15 months after the loss of Sammy
that same blue line appeared again.
I was pregnant
this time I was further along when i found out.

I moved out of parents house and bounced around from friend to friends home
I spent a few months with my sister and her family
before moving in with my boyfriend and his dad/siblings

again we had choices to make
a choice to repeat our past, a choice to give someone else a future, or a choice to greatly change our future
many people had opinions on what I should.
although only a handful knew of what happened only a year ago.

I was firm this time. I was not about to kill this baby.
I pretended to be interested in the idea of adoption but deep down i knew this would never happen.
finally I just said it.
I am keeping this baby.

and from that point on she was mine.
and I was not going to let anyone take her form me.

We were blessed with a beautiful little girl.
We named her Hailey, but mostly called her Frank.
that’s a story for another post!

When Frank was born we moved into our own apartment.
that’s when we would finally be a family.
boy was i wrong, things got pretty ugly.
if i thought we fought bad before then i had no idea what fighting really was.

We both loved Frank very much and wanted the best for her so we tried to make it work.
we stayed together, we played house.

fast forward another year Frank is about 14 months old.

and that same blue line wanted back into my life.

again, i was lost, scared, alone, depressed, ashamed, embarrassed

I had no idea what I was going to do this time.
We were barley hanging on in our relationship, I did not think we were going to last
I was overwhelmed being a young mom.
I had just started my career and did not want to lose that.

so i did it.
I did the unthinkable, again

this time they counselled me, they did not offer to show me the pictures
but did ask if this was my choice.
and it was, i only have myself to blame this time.
no one forced me, pressured me, held a gun to my head.
I felt the same alone emotions, the same darkness
but it was different this time
because this time we told no one.
We did not talk about, we did not discuss it
not even with each other.
we just tried to live as though it never happened.

and we did for many years…
so not only was this my second time saying goodbye to Sammy,
it was second time saying goodbye to a baby i was responsible for killing.

Before I go today I feel in order to have closure I need to name my baby.
I will name my baby Kaya

Kaya means … “Restful place, yew tree, forgiveness; home; stone; willow, wise child; the one with the beautiful body, profile.”

Tomorrow I will share more of my story.

part 1 of my story herepart 2, part 3, part 4

© 2012 – 2013, Chrissy@thePearlblog This post may contain affiliate links. Purchasing through them will help support this blog.. All rights reserved.

About Chrissy@thePEARLblog

Sinner turned saint. Lover of Jesus. DIY crafter. Mom of 3. Blogger. Friend. married to her high school sweetheart. I blogs to share about the things I love. My hope is that my love for crafting, Jesus, family, and food will inspire you to try something new. If you enjoy what you read, don’t forget to subscribe to my blog!

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