Learning how to finally say goodbye {part 4}

 you can read part one here, part two here, and part three here of my story. 

13 years later here i sit…
trying to process what happened back in 1999
and again in 2002
trying to find my peace
trying to finally say goodbye

I am not trying to erase the memory of the babies i lost
or try to pretend Sammy’s death was not violently taken away in front of my eyes
or that Kaya was not killed in the same evil way

I am saying the final goodbye to all the hurt, pain, shame, and guilt.
I have made peace with The Lord
I have made peace with my family
I have made peace with my friends

now it’s time to make peace with myself.
each time i tell myself i am “over it”
I hear someone make a comment about abortion
I know they are not talking to me or about me personally
or at least they don’t realize they are.

  • That awful mom that allowed her baby to be killed-that’s me
  • that mom they did not deserve to get pregnant in the first place – that’s me
  • that girl who now has 3 healthy children an you just want one and she threw her first 2 away-that’s me
  • The mom who did not even learn the first time and did it all over again-that’s me
  • I don’t deserve this miscarriage, it’s not like I ever had an abortion – that’s me

It has taken me a long time to get over those kind of hurtful statements
but over them i don’t mean they don’t hurt, because they do.
but i know that they aren’t for the new me.
I have found my relationship with Christ,
and in his word those evil statement are not there
so in His word I will remain

you want to know who else I am?

  • Loved by God- that’s me
  • A CHILD of God- that’s me
  • Forgiven, no questions asked, by God –that’s me
  • loved and appreciated by her husband and children- that’s me
  • a living testimony that God is a redeemer – that’s me

If my story can help one person move just one step closer to God than it’s all worth it.
I know God did not want my babies to die, but i do know that he will use this tragedy to help someone else.
to help me.

So here I am
with my heart out on the table
finally ready to say goodbye.
Finally ready to talk about the babies I never let live.
Finally ready to say i am a mom of 5.
Not just 3, but 5.
And each time I say that number God is giving me a chance to glorify him.
To share how he took me from the pit and brought me back to the light.

John 8:12
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

 you can read part one here, part two here, and part three here of my story. 

**some of you have questioned me about losing 4 babies. two were my choice and 2 were miscarriages.
I had two miscarriages shortly after having my son. Although those times in my life were still hard I had complete peace knowing that God was following out his plan for my life. I lost both of the babies right away in my pregnancies. So when I say a mother of 5 i am not forgetting my two miscarriage babies, i just felt as though my bound to the ones i killed was stronger, i heard heartbeats, saw pictures. I know some one you may not agree with this and I am sorry if i hurt you. This is my way of grieving, of moving on, of living. thanks for understanding.

part 1 of my story herepart 2, part 3, part 4

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About Chrissy@thePEARLblog

Sinner turned saint. Lover of Jesus. DIY crafter. Mom of 3. Blogger. Friend. married to her high school sweetheart. I blogs to share about the things I love. My hope is that my love for crafting, Jesus, family, and food will inspire you to try something new. If you enjoy what you read, don’t forget to subscribe to my blog!

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